Saturday, June 12, 2004

Dog-faced Gremlins

Are golfers athletes? Of course, I'd like to think. But now I'm wondering. The NY Times had a piece on whether the top golfers choose to play the week before the majors -- to rest or to practice.

My favorite golfer, Ernie Els, never plays before the Masters: "I like to be fresh at the Masters because you have to climb all those hills."

Then Davis Love III: "I happen to like this Westchester Country Club course [meaning he does play the Buick Classic at WCC, always a week before the US Open] but the week before the Masters, I don't play Atlanta because the course there is hilly and it can be cold."

How dainty. I'm just a little disappointed that they chose to whine about hills and the temperature. (As opposed to, say, the superhuman mental preparation required for a major.) They're not running these hills. Their pace is leisurely, these hills are really just that -- they're no Kilimanjaros, and lest we forget, they're not carrying their bags. And Love's comment on the cold. Please: how cold is Atlanta in the summer? I've played hilly courses, one time in a mixture of sleet and snow, and of course schlepped my own bag. How can golf get any respect when the best complain about hills and sunny 70 degree weather?

To put all of this into greater relief, a contrapuntal outlook, courtesy of Rasheed Wallace (also from the NY Times): "We're just hungry, just some dog-faced gremlins out there getting down on all fours ready to scrap." That's more like it.

Friday, June 11, 2004

...the fuckin' rake.

So, Tuesday night I went down to gutshot [link fixed, fucko], London's very own private poker club, for their weekly £5 tournament. There were unlimited re-buys for the first hour, so I figured I'd bring £15, if necessary re-buy twice, and when I lost those chips, call it a night. Except I made it through the first hour without going out, in fact turning my 500 chips into 4500. I was playing really tight at first, and was helped out by great luck and great cards (pocket aces twice in the first hour!).

It was actually an amazingly fun night, going from extremes of being intimidated to comfortable to intimidated again. I think I played pretty well, and my luck certainly continued. The tourney started with 102 players and....I finished 7th. In the money (£70)! I actually should have done better. When I sat down at the final table (the last 9 players standing), I had more than a quarter of the total chips. I don't think I played too badly, I was aggressive, playing a bit too many hands, and the blinds at that point were astonishingly high.

My two best hands, emphasising my luck, were:

I had pocket aces. I called the blind, but didn't raise pre-flop (stupidly). Two other callers. Flop comes 2-K-7. Guy to my right bets all-in (he didn't have much left). I call him. We turn our cards over, and he's got K-7, of course. I'm beat by fucking K-7 because I didn't raise pre-flop. Anyway, the turn comes a 10, helping no one. I'm praying for the ace to fall. It doesn't. The river's another 2. Just as I'm ready to watch him take up the chips, someone points out that I've won...the pair of 2s gives me Aces over 2s, beating Kings and 7s, of course.

Later on, with very few chips left, I'm dealt something like A-5 off. I'm big blind, and there are no pre-flop raises. In fact, everyone folds except me and this other guy. Flop comes K-8-7. He checks, and since I feel like I only have enough chips to make one more big move, I bet all I've got, trying to buy the pot. Except he calls me. I'm all-in, so we turn over our cards. He's got a pair of 6s. The turn is another K. Miraculously, the river is another 8! Meaning: you have to use the best 5-card hand out of the seven cards. Therefore, the best hand he can make is K-K-8-8-7, while I can make K-K-8-8-A! You can't have 3 pairs! Thank god those paired boards.

My last hand of the night:

Basically, the blinds go up every 20 minutes. We're at the final table, two guys have already gone out. The blinds are 3000-6000. I had just folded my small blind, and was down to about 13000 chips. I looked up at the board and saw there was 4 minutes left until the blinds went up to 4500-9000. I had no choice. I had to make a move before the big blind (by then, 9000) came around to me. Two hands later, I look at my cards and find two queens. OK, that'll do. Guy in a red sox hat to my right raises the 6000 big blind all in, as he only has 4000 left on top of that. I call the 10000, and raise all-in, chucking in my remaining 3000. Everyone else folds, except the grizzled old veteran across the table, who calls. Three of us then, and we turn our cards over. Red Sox has A-7 off, nothing to worry about. But the geezer has two kings. Fuck. Now all I can do is watch. And prey.

Flop comes. No help to any of us. Nor the turn, nor the river. Just a bunch of low cards and a Jack, I think. And a pair of Kings still beats a pair of Queens. Except (except!), the guy next to me notices that there are 4 spades on the board, and one of my queens is a spade, giving me the flush! But then (and this was actually pretty hilarious) virtually the whole table turns their eyes to the geezer's cards, only to discover that one of his Kings is a spade. He's got the better flush. But, oh no (and you can see this one coming), we all then turn our heads towards the red sox, who, of course, has the Ace of spades. All of this happened within about 2 seconds. Anyway I lost. But at least I didn't lose to that crusty old fuck with 2 kings.

My girlfriend's out of town and there's a £10 tournament tonight. Guess who's going?

The life aquatic.

If you, like me, are a Bill Murray fan (that is to say, if you live and breathe), you will also be excited by this.

The picture's cool too.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

A quick one while he's away.

An article about a professor who's written a 500 page book on Dylan's lyrics, notable at least for this bit:

Dylan concerts have a particular beauty and also a certain sadness, he explained, because Mr. Dylan himself is the one person who has to be at a Dylan concert and also the one person who can't go to a Dylan concert. "It's sad," he said, "the way it's sad that Jane Austen couldn't read a Jane Austen novel."

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Bulgarians at the gate.

Paul--Haven't we talked about this before? This is good news! It's like when you lose in the NCAA tournament, you then root for the team that beat you to go all the way. The team that beat you just won the championship!

Also: It's not you! It was fate! Destiny! They're getting MARRIED! Who are you to stand in the way of that? She didn't cheat on you because of any shortcoming in your person--she cheated on you because the forces of fate pushed her into the arms of her FUTURE HUSBAND. Maybe you were hurt that she cheated on you, but, man, he has to MARRY her! MARRIED! Be happy.

Tetris update: This guy is designing some sort of artificial intelligence program for tetris. He refers to the pieces by letters:

O (the box)
I (the long one)
S
Z (the mirror image of S)
L
J (the mirror image of L)
T

That could work, I suppose.

Ach. It's too hot today.

Edit: Wow, Nish, I guess we're on the same wavelength. You must have posted that while I was typing my post. I decided against making the explicit High Fidelity mention, because I couldn't remember the exact quote.

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, are you?

So I get up this morning and I'm checking my fantasy baseball before work and Emily (the ex, not Sweet's) IM's me, "I have news". Oh great. "I'm engaged". What the fuck? Engaged? To the guy she fucking cheated on me with? This is how I have to start my day? I could have died a happy man without this information.

So this means that not one, but two of my ex's are getting married. Am I in the lead? Can anyone beat that? Now I just need Leena to get engaged to be a perfect 3-for-3.

Today is not gonna be a good day.

EDIT: It's worth pointing out that she's marrying the guy she cheated on me with.

What's a good plate with nothing on it?

From Anthony Lane's review of Pulp Fiction, in Nobody's Perfect (London: Picador, 2003), pp. 77-81 (p. 77):

"Everybody knows the old E.M. Forster distinction between story and plot: 'The king died and then the queen died' is a story. 'The king died and then the queen died of grief' is a plot. Fair enough, but what Forster failed to foresee was the emergence of a third category, the Quentin Tarantino plot, which goes something like this: 'The king died while having sex on the hood of a lime-green Corvette, and the queen died of contaminated crack borrowed from the court jester, with whom she was enjoying a conversation about the relative merits of Tab and Diet Pepsi as they sat and surveyed the bleeding remains of the lords and ladies whom she had just blown away with a stolen .45 in a fit of grief.'"

Pretty neat, huh? I was overjoyed to receive my package from amazon today, including Nobody's Perfect, Mark Shechner's Up Society's Ass, Copper: Rereading Philip Roth, and Kate Turabian's A Manual for Writers of Term Papers, Theses, and Dissertations (a sort of abridged version of The Chicago Manual of Style). The Lane book is great--it's a collection of all the pieces he wrote for The New Yorker from 1993-2002, mostly film reviews, but a fair amount of pieces on books and miscellaneous "profiles." He's always been one of my favorite New Yorker writers, and it's fairly awesome to have this brick (it's a 750 page paperback!) to dip into whenever I want. Good writing makes me excited, especially (these days) good journalism, and gets me wanting to be a good writer, which is a positive thing.

I'm sure all of you in the states are being bombarded by a shit-ton of Reagan hogwash (I must admit, one of the first things I thought when I heard that he died was that at least this didn't happen mid-October), praising "The Great Communicator" to the skies. I know it's bad to speak ill of the dead, but maybe reading this piece will offer something of a counterbalance.

Paul: the power pop goodness that I know you love so much (Sloan, Brendan Benson, FoW, etc.) is everywhere you look in the AC Newman album. Consider me a doctor, and consider this a prescription. That said, you don't have the two New Pornographers albums yet, which are just sitting in some record store, waiting to save your life.

How do we get this thing rolling again? I suppose I could send an email to Nish, Willy, Sweet, but I'm lazy.

I've been playing a lot of tetris lately (read: the last 3 months), and I'd like to talk about it a bit, but before that: what do you call the tetris pieces? Do they have names? How would one get into a discussion of tetris strategy--we know those pieces so well, but there doesn't seem to be an agreed-upon nomenclature (except for "box" or "square" and "the long one"). Anyone?