Poker in the front, liquor in the rear

Well I just finished watching the opening days of the Main Event of the World Series of Poker, and let me just tell you, poker sucks right now.

I believe that amazing jump in popularity is the worst thing to happen to poker in a long time. Granted, I'm not the oldest fan in the world, this being only the third WSOP I've seen, but it's not hard to tell.

For one thing, there were 3 times the entries this year compared to last, and like adding MLB teams, you do nothing but dilute the talent pool when you add more players. The field went from 850 last year to just over 2,600. Obviously this is going to bring the overall level of talent down, and unlike most other sports, this fact hurts the good players. Sure, the bad players are going to loose much more frequently than the good players, but with so many of them the bad players are bound to suck out on the pros now and again.

For instance, I watched an internet newbie up against Sammy Farha earlier. Sammy had the hand read perfectly, he knew he was way ahead and just kept allowing the newbie to bluff. And when I say bluff, I mean seriously bluff, he was up against 2 pair and had no draw, only 6 outs left in the deck. But of course he got one on the river, and took down a huge pot he had no business being in from the beginning.

I saw interview after interview of frustrated pros that got knocked out on amazing draws.

How bad are these players? If I didn't know better, I'd think the best starting hand in hold 'em was K-8 suited. Of course they would get their ass handed to them 19 times out of 20, but that's not often enough for the pros. Every time they knocked out some moron, an even bigger looser would take his seat (literally, they had alternates that had to wait on the street because they didn't have enough seats). The game became who could get lucky against the pro first.

After the first day I saw Chris Moneymaker, Men Nyuegn, John Juanda, Daniel Negrauno, Sammy Farha, Phil Ivy, Dutch Boyd, and Scott Fey all knocked out already. There are still 4 days left (they had to have 2 days of first round action because there were so many people) and Phil Hellmuth, Annie Duke, Chris Fergeuson, Scott Fischman, and TJ Cloutier are all that's left.

If things continue like this, I predict that the Main Event will stop being the premiere event in the poker world. The game already isn't very much fun to watch, and I think it's only going to get worse as the field narrows.

The worst thing poker ever did was become popular.

The President Addresses [his] Nation

My fellow Americans,

Let me first begin by saying first: some people call you the elite. I call you . . . my base (sly, impish smile).

I know some of you are worried about this election thingy coming up in December (holds hand up to earpiece). I mean (nervous eye twitch), November. Well let me be the first to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.

My people have been working long and hard to make sure that all of our campaign question-and-answer sessions will come off without a hitch, and I've been promised that I will get to come up with all of the questions myself beforehand. This way I won't be caught off guard by any tough questions about world capitals. I never figured out those darn capitals. Also, Karl Rove has assured me that people with unacceptable t-shirts or stickers on their wallets will no longer distract me and threaten my safety or the safety of this great land.

In that vein, I have made sure that the terrorists who have threatened to disrupt our Grand and Triumphant Leader's Committee in New York next week have been taken care of. And the black voters? Let's just say the only 'swinging' they're gonna do this november is on the dance floor (smirk). And with the help of donors like you we won't even have to acknowledge John Kerry to win this thing.

So, to sum up, in conclusion, don't worry. You'll get four more years of paying less taxes on your investments, and I'll make sure the workers pay the difference. You just keep on doing what America does best, striving for freedom, and money, and I'll keep making sure none of those pesky workers' health regulations get in your way.

Oh, and Iraq? We're all over that shit. I assure you that your profit levels will remain high, and that any criticism of the government (winks at audience) will only make oil prices go up.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

Where are you?