The President Addresses [his] Nation

My fellow Americans,

Let me first begin by saying first: some people call you the elite. I call you . . . my base (sly, impish smile).

I know some of you are worried about this election thingy coming up in December (holds hand up to earpiece). I mean (nervous eye twitch), November. Well let me be the first to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.

My people have been working long and hard to make sure that all of our campaign question-and-answer sessions will come off without a hitch, and I've been promised that I will get to come up with all of the questions myself beforehand. This way I won't be caught off guard by any tough questions about world capitals. I never figured out those darn capitals. Also, Karl Rove has assured me that people with unacceptable t-shirts or stickers on their wallets will no longer distract me and threaten my safety or the safety of this great land.

In that vein, I have made sure that the terrorists who have threatened to disrupt our Grand and Triumphant Leader's Committee in New York next week have been taken care of. And the black voters? Let's just say the only 'swinging' they're gonna do this november is on the dance floor (smirk). And with the help of donors like you we won't even have to acknowledge John Kerry to win this thing.

So, to sum up, in conclusion, don't worry. You'll get four more years of paying less taxes on your investments, and I'll make sure the workers pay the difference. You just keep on doing what America does best, striving for freedom, and money, and I'll keep making sure none of those pesky workers' health regulations get in your way.

Oh, and Iraq? We're all over that shit. I assure you that your profit levels will remain high, and that any criticism of the government (winks at audience) will only make oil prices go up.

Thank you, and God Bless America.