I think they'd call me 'wiry'.

Thanks a lot Willy, that's exactly what I needed. Trying to stay positive, I'm doing all I can to help the team. In that spirit, here are the:

8 Reasons I would be a great replacement for Wells:

1) I haven't balked in years
2) The money saved on clubhouse catering would more than make up for the Byung-Hung Kim contract
3) I would actually try to beat the Yankees
4) I'd have the guts to tell Arroyo to turn off that horrible music
5) I'd attract the crucial Jewish demographic to games (and I'd have no problem playing on Yom Kippur)
6) The Sox would be able to fire Wells's 'goatee groomer'
7) Two words: Pepto Endorsement
8) Better baseball nickname: Goobs or Boomer?

Schilling's a whole other matter, however.